Sample Query Letter: Dark Rum Chronicles: The Adventures of Nick Drama

Following are two sample query letters of my latest spec I'm e & snail mailing to various management companies. I have 5 different versions, but am only posting what I believe are the two strongest.

The first is pretty straight forward. I tried opening strong by referencing a successful film/character which shares some attributes to my spec/protagonist. My goal was to immediately paint a picture in the reader's mind of the protagonist. Naturally, it makes sense to lead with my spec's strongest attribute, and my protagonist is the strongest part of my concept - he's fun & interesting and could be spun off into many stories over a variety of media:

Dear ________,

If Han Solo relocated to the Bahamas we'd have Nick Drama, an irresponsible but lovable scoundrel living the easy life in an island paradise. That is, until his ex-wife shows up. 

All she asks is one simple favor, and there's dollar signs at the end of the rainbow. But like all rainbows what you see ain't necessarily what you get, and what Nick gets is a high-flying tropical adventure that will pit him against an international drug lord with a penchant for gourmet cooking and burning people alive, a psychotic band of not-so-merry Mercenaries and a nuclear bomb plot to blow up the U.N.

Now, in order to survive (much less pay off his bar tab), Nick will have to use every ounce of discipline and loyalty he never had, pit his ragged old seaplane against four Stingray helicopters in an aerial dogfight, and possibly even face the sobering fact that no matter how hard you try, you can't turn your back on the rest of the world.

Yes, it's shaping up to be a hell of a day. But if one thing's sure as gravity, it's that wherever Nick goes, drama is sure to follow.

To request a copy of Dark Rum Chronicles or discuss other original genre properties, please send your standard release to...

The second letter I took a little more creative tack. My intent with this one was to create some connection between the reader and the story by appealing to the fantasy we've all had at some point of shrugging all of our "real world" responsibilities and finding a simpler way of life. My only concern is it may come off as gimmicky:

Dear _____,

Quit your job. 

Sell the house. 

Chuck the credit cards. 

Take the car keys, cell phone, T.V., drown 'em all in the deep end of the big blue sea. Leave the world behind and spend the rest of your days collecting little umbrellas on some palm strewn, white sand beach.

We've all had the thought. But Nick Drama is an ex-Air Force pilot who went for it -- or at least, tried. See, Nick's spent the last six years in the Bahamas reinventing himself as a carousing bush pilot, a Jack Sparrow of the Skies. But Nick's got money problems, and he's being leaned on by a local loan shark for all the scratch he owes. 

Then his ex-wife Lys shows up, offering enough cash to keep Nick's plane in the air, his business afloat and his head connected to his torso. All he has to do is give her any information that could lead her to finding her missing fiancee.

Any information. Sounds easy enough. That is, until the International Drug Lord, psychopathic Mercenaries, and nuclear bomb angles are all factored in.

Yes, it's shaping up to be a hell of a day. But if there's one constant in the universe, it's that wherever Nick goes, Drama is sure to follow.

For further information on Dark Rum Chronicles: The Adventures of Nick Drama, open assignments or other original genre properties, please forward your release to... or call...

Of course, on letterhead these letters will appear much shorter. Still, my major reservation about both of them is they may be too long.

One hallmark of a solid query letter is its brevity - no one wants to read a page long description of a spec by an unknown writer.

Another hallmark of a great query is its ability to draw the reader in immediately. Hopefully I've accomplished that.

A great query must also paint a vivid picture of the story, world and character. It gives an comprehensive idea - in broad strokes - of what the story is, where it's headed and the probable outcome. I don't think it's a good idea to give the actual ending. If they want to know the ending - which hopefully they will - they'll have to request the script!

And that leads to probably the most important attribute of a great query letter: it makes the reader NEED to know more. Hopefully both of these letters accomplish all those goals. I'm a little to close to be objective anymore, so any advice would be welcomed!